Scars

Today,

I want to scar myself so bad, I want to hurt till I have tears down my cheeks, my chest heaving or at least till I see blood. I want to let something out physically because maybe it may take with it this, overwhelming sullenness, and numb parts that make me!! It’s the outlet I long for, where I direct my pain to.

I write this so that, when you do see me, you won’t get shocked and worried! I want to prepare you because I wouldn’t want you to tell me I’d have done different. Because right now, today, I feel the need to scar myself.

I know…. I am, this sordid mess. Careful with my struggles not to show. My face, masking all this making it hard for help. But I’m afraid of pity and sadness after hoping for too long then my eyes start crying silently for help. Hard for you even to see! But yes!! It is here, it has been here, it lives here… this pain.

So I pray that, if you find me laying around with tears or blood, know that I needed it. And I know you would have helped, but I wanted my own way this time. And when I wake up, I hope my past will have left with it.

So, will you stay by me? With the scars? For I, the cursed.