Today, there is joy
In my heart and house.
It is in truth.

Today,
I woke up with the birds.
I sang and danced
For truth and me.

Joy is not freedom
But it makes the two minutes
of smiles and laughter
Free…

Joy is this moment
and those that led up to it.
Today, there is joy.

Grief is love with no place to be.

You do not leave my thoughts,
Yet, you do not stay calm,
You burn my brain,
with sparks,
and now
molten,
my brain
threatens to pour out.
Will you leave with all my senses?

Insomnia
soul music
my diary…

I am up skimming through thoughts,
trying to find those that
I may lay my head on for a while…
I am tired of being awake.

When is it going to rise?
I need company.

I am thinking of you.
And your wildness,
Your infectious energy and existence.
I miss you!

I am crossing efforts , and all I see
Is how there has been no strain with you.

I remember how words you speak,
sound chilled and musical,
A perfect rhythm soothing me in ways only silence does.
You are there… doing it all so perfectly.
You flow just perfectly with us.

When I see light,
the actual image I see is your smile ,
commanding confidence and the warmth .
I carry this everyday.

I don’t want to wake up from this Euphoria
because ….
I want to keep on dancing with my eyes|
I want you by my side.
I want you here ❤️.

I miss you.

Fear…

But you made moves yourself,

You did it on your own.

Are you suddenly in doubt?

My heart is chilly and cold.

Replaying conversations, from not so past.

My brain is doing the most,

Controlling these conversations like we’re in a debate.

My heart is looking for company, desperate for it even.

My brain is too tired to fathom this.

It has allowed our conversations shuffle however they feel like because, its tiring trying to mediate in here.

So I am jumping off the bubbly conversations to the exhausting ones back to the mature ones over to the vapid ones once again, the hurtful and aggressive. The calm conversations, the hard and uncomfortable to the happy conversations, the sad, sullen. The intentional conversations. The conversations here are warming up this space.

Maybe after all this, we can start new conversations.

Warm and hot with a little bit of madness.

Of flowers that take ages to bloom, I am here for you!

To tell you that I do understand being in the dark and alone. To frustrate yourself and cancel out your plans with the slightest flick of storm’s light. I have been there! When the outside is too harsh so you end up locking yourself in trying to build that energy so that, maybe…. When you open up, you’ll be heard.

There are days when they actually see your sparkle, enchanting even those who know less of flowers. They touch and gaze too hard that your splendor is gone…

Today,

I want to scar myself so bad, I want to hurt till I have tears down my cheeks, my chest heaving or at least till I see blood. I want to let something out physically because maybe it may take with it this, overwhelming sullenness, and numb parts that make me!! It’s the outlet I long for, where I direct my pain to.

I write this so that, when you do see me, you won’t get shocked and worried! I want to prepare you because I wouldn’t want you to tell me I’d have done different. …

A throwback to the beginnings of each journey. The thrill that accompanied each expectation. The joy of a new experience.. The hope for nothing else but positivity. The feeling of open mindedness…

A throwback to the first stumbles in life, The one harsh truth that not everything is supposed to go smooth. The truth on how the journey to these expectations would be hard.

A throwback to the first success in life. The small and tiny targets we met. The joy of accomplishing them, The proud grin and faces for having done something worthwhile all along. And most importantly, the…

Have you lived You?

Have you lived… Your youth? Did you enjoy it? Was your experience any sort of couth? Do you miss it? Do you regret?

Have you lived… by the law? Did you break any? Were you charged, we’re you safe? Did your experience make you gain? Do you abide by the laws?

Have you lived.Your friendship? Do your friends keep changing? Are your friends loyal to you? Are you loyal to them? Are they real?

Have you lived... Love? Did you love? Was the love real? Was the love your home? Was the love loyal? Was the love sincere? Was it a mistake?

Have you lived... Your life? Your peace? Your rules, your love, your goals? Have you lived... Your time? Have you?

Mboche Esther

I'm trying to find meaning in these random words creating beautiful spaces... Will you journey with me? 🌻

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